Daily Journal #102 - A Letter to 2015

Dear 2015,

Thank you. 

You were so kind to me and to my loved ones this year, and I'm sorry if I didn't say thank you enough.  It's so easy to take your kindness for granted sometimes.

I love how generous you were with your love and how you filled my heart with happiness each day - even on days when everything seemed to suck.  You never let me lose sight of what was most important - my health and the health of our little family.

You held my hand through so much change, didn't you?  And you rallied behind me when I wanted to give up.  Thank you for surrounding me with my "ride or dies" and for enveloping me in my daughters' love - a love I have never known, a love that I didn't think I would ever know.

Thank you for allowing my beloved and me to celebrate ten years of marriage.  Or should I say ten years of a happy marriage because as I grow older, meet more people, and listen to more stories, I realize that the duration of a marriage does not equate to the happiness of one.  Thank you for all of the hours in each of the days since June 22, 1998.  Thank you for the laughs and inside jokes and for giving me a real man who is the absolute love of my life.  Thank you.

This year with you saw adventures and airplane rides and parties and celebrations and tears and hurt and fear.  But I appreciate it all because in the geology of my life, you are making me better and stronger with each push and passing second. 
 
I know a lot of folks these days don't make resolutions but instead pick a word that will frame their next 525, 600 minutes.  I'm not sure what I would like to intend for whatever time I've been gifted.  I'd say just love probably. 

I want to continue to love, not only myself and my tribe but everyone and everything that crosses my path.  I want to embody love,

be love,

do all things with love. 

So, yeah. 

I choose LOVE. 

Does that work for you, 2015?  You good with 2016 being the Year of Love?

Thought so.

Thanks again, really.  I can't even begin to tell you how much you meant to me and will always mean to me.

xoxo,
Yolanda

P.S. I was just thinking how with a slight twist of words, the negative becomes positive.  And I always heard that you and the Universe listen to affirmations.  So instead of saying, "Love never fails" you prefer "Love always wins".  And it does, doesn't it?  Love Always Wins. 

Decaf Coffee

After a morning out and an early afternoon of shopping, we stopped at Starbucks. I enjoyed my drink and attempted to recalibrate my mind after the soul crushing that I consider the mall and shopping. It wasn't until I recycled my cup that I realized my sister didn't order a decaf coffee for me.

Y'all know what that means?

I wonder if you do....

Xoxo

Daily Journal #101 - A Conversation with my Sister

My family is still in town and we are doing what I imagine all families do - board games, shopping, vegging out, laughing, fighting, getting annoyed, eye rolling.  But I had the greatest unbiased conversation with my older sister this morning.  I was googling Aretha Franklin's ridiculously good, heart-stretching, brings-tears-to-your-eyes Kennedy Center Honors performance and I told my sister that I was updating my Daily Journal.

She asked what that meant.

We launched into a conversation about what the assignment entails, and as I explained the parameters of what I was trying to do, she scoffed.

"That's it?".

Yep.

5 sentences minimum per day since September 21st.

5 sentences minimum per day on a google doc.

"Do you read them?".

I told her yes and she said, "I bet they think you don't.  They're probably not used to someone like you.  Do all the kids write them?".

(Insert sad head shake.)

"That's a shame."

Indeed.

Daily Journal #100 - Acceptance & Image

The second definition of the noun "acceptance" is "the action or process of being received as adequate or suitable, typically to be admitted into a group."  

The first definition of the noun "image" is "a representation of the external form of a person or thing in art."

It is almost the end of the calendar year and it is the last year on earth that I will be the age I am now.  It has taken me almost four decades to sit in the "small, quiet room" of acceptance as Strayed calls it.  It has taken me almost four decades to look in a mirror and love the image that I see.

I accept my image as whole and beautiful and perfectly imperfect.  And if that sounds like I'm ego-trippin', careful so you don't fall.  

I spend a lot of time with my daughters (as you can imagine) and a lot of that time is teaching them how to love themselves, own their bodies and their beauty (which we call hard work and kindness and determination).

The other day I overheard Thing 1 talking with Thing 2 in the bathroom.

"It's important to be kind, A."

"Why?"

"Because ugly is as ugly does."

"Oh. Okay, Z."

When you stare in the mirror, I hope you all see the kind of beauty that only gets better with age.

I hope you'll pull up a seat next to me in the small quiet room someday.

I'll be waiting.

P.S. - A little snippet of my favorite Maya Angelou piece...Love, Me (a W-O-M-A-N)

"Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size   

But when I start to tell them,

They think I’m telling lies.

I say,

It’s in the reach of my arms,

The span of my hips,   

The stride of my step,   

The curl of my lips.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,   

That’s me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,   

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.   

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.   

I say,

It’s the fire in my eyes,   

And the flash of my teeth,   

The swing in my waist,   

And the joy in my feet.   

I’m a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,

That’s me..."

(There's more but you should read it on your own.)

Daily Journal - Vonnegut

Kurt Vonnegut plays a pretty big role in my life. When I graduated from Rice he was our commencement speaker and while most addresses are cliche and overdone, ours was simplicity in action. He cautioned us against thinking we were all going to be extraordinary on a global-celebrity status scale and urged us to remember that while we might not mean anything to the world we would mean the world to the people in our lives.

Five weeks after listening to Vonnegut, I sat in a room full of strangers, directly across from a cute guy who (though I didn't know it at the time) was a voracious reader and a huge Vonnegut fan. 

So it goes. 

In my favorite Vonnegut book, The Sirens of Titans, he writes, "I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all."  My series has led me here to this page on this day, a bit tenderhearted by a bell I can't unring. 

I always knew relationships could only exist when the parties involved were authentic and sincere. But I didn't realize until last night that power played a role. Positions of power orchestrate the dynamics of every relationship and if you have a smidglet more than the other person (or a helluva lot more) there can't be wholeheartedness. The one with more "power" is writing the script and getting what they want.

Last night I couldn't fall asleep because I realized I'm a scriptwriter and that most (all?!) of my interactions with you were laced with my edits. You wanted me to like you, and I did but who did I draft?

A scene from my beloved's favorite Vonnegut book, Slaughter-House Five is popping into mind. Billy is being confronted.

"That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"

"Yes." Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.

"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why."

So here I am full of doubt wondering - stuck in the amber of last night's moment.

There is no why.

And I wish there was.

Daily Journal #98 - Gratitude

I am grateful for so many things.

First and foremost, I am grateful for my health.

I am grateful for my beloved.

I am grateful for the necklace that is around my neck because my A made it for me.

I am grateful for the leaves that blew across my driveway.

I am grateful for the feeling of the sunshine on my face.

I am grateful for the email correspondence I've been having with a dear one.

I am grateful for MG and FWM and our time together today.

I am grateful for the hum of activity that permeates my house - football on the tv, people noshing on potato chips, laughter.

I am grateful to be alive.

Daily Journal #97 - Grabbing Coffee

I always run into people I know when I am out and about in the real world. The other day was no exception as I sat at a coffee shop with a couple friends. I saw a beloved skateboarding without a helmet, a former student headed to lunch and a current student getting in his daily run.  But it wasn't these sightings that stuck with me; I remembered the homeless lady who crossed in front of my car as I sat at a red light.

She wore all of her clothes in layers and the outer jacket had the word "Pink" on it.  My mind flitted to dropping hundreds of dollars in that store and not even batting an eye. And it made me feel sad.

And I don't know why.

I know I work hard for what I have, and I know part of my cultural legacy comes from a mother who only had one nice outfit for school.  I know I didn't come from much money, and I know I live in privilege now.

When the light turned green, I turned my head to see the lady one last time.

She pushed her cart and passed a man who was smoking a cigarette.

I drove toward my coffee date, paid more than $5 for my drink and crossed my legs when I sat down.  I owned the space I occupied.  I made eye contact with a man who was working on his laptop. I took my first sip of coffee and waited for my friends.

But then and even now, I can't erase "Pink" from my mind.

Daily Journal #96 - Christmas

I happen to celebrate Christmas and as such, today is a special day but not for the reasons you might imagine.  It's not about the gifts or the tree or the parties.  It's about the community, it's about family, it's about a good reason to slow down and take a breath.

My sister and I used to spend our Christmases in Waco, Texas - first at one grandmother's house and then at the other's.  I recall loading the Ford F-150 for one trip South with wrapped presents for each cousin, uncle, aunt, grandparent, etc.  (My father had 6 brothers and sisters so you can do the math.)  There were a lot of presents.

Giddy with excitement we arrived on S. 27th and unloaded.  Gifts were everywhere.  After dinner, where the women always ate last and served, we retreated to the living room and exchanged gifts.  My sister and I handed out presents with smiles on our faces and watched as others oohed and ahhed over the treats.  But we never got a gift in return.  That Christmas when we were 8 and 10, no one thought to buy us anything.  And that tingly feeling of shame and sadness is something I can still feel even while typing this and remembering.

When the night ended, my mom talked to the two of us and tried her best to teach a lesson on what the holiday was really about but neither my sister or I got "it".  We were just hurt and sad.

Then we went to our other grandmother's house and were showered with love and food and music and joy.  And then it hit me.  I felt loved and seen at Momo's house and that became Christmas to me.

It became about listening and laughing.
It became about loving and learning.
It became about togetherness and tamales.

My family doesn't arrive until this afternoon so we four are watching "Santa Buddies" and eating breakfast.  The girls have each opened one gift and are over the moon.  There are more to come but I am hopeful that they are equating this season with a family who honors and accepts who they are, a family who sees them and loves them in their imperfect perfectness.

If you're reading and you celebrate this holiday, sending you love and light.  

Daily Journal #95 - DVDs That Skip

MG was just another name on the roster I printed for the new school year. Just a name that had no context. A stranger about to enter my orbit. By mid-October she was a Moleskin Mama and by June, she was occupying some serious space in my heart. The following winter she gifted me a photo that made me burst into tears and this past summer we shared laughs over iced tea. Next week I'll get to hug her again and catch up on lost time though with a friend like her you just sort of pick up where you left off.

MG is my girl and she's one of the reasons I know that the DVD of my life skipped.

Just like a glitch on the screen, one scene got erased and I was born too soon or she was born too late and our paths crossed a good two decades off.

But that didn't stop our friendship from blooming. She just got "it" and understood things way beyond her years. Her Self complimented My Self and while she could be wise so could I be silly. I felt like I'd known her for a lifetime.

I texted her the other day and told her some big news.

Time will tell but I'm usually spot on.

Daily Journal #94 - Star Pizza

Joe's Pizza is the one we always ordered.

Topped with sauteed spinach and garlic it met the dietary requirements and was delicious to boot.  We'd usually sit at a table outside on the patio - the one near the parking lot, the one where you could see Amy's Ice Cream and 59 Diner if you were angled just so.  We'd usually meet there after grad school class so the clock would read 9pm by the time the pie arrived.  We'd laugh about work and the mockery of being teachers at such a young age.  We'd say goodbye in the lot with a quick hug or fist bump and I'd go toward the Astrodome and he'd go toward the Menil.

Those were the days...

At the first mention of Star Pizza, my mind instantly returns to our beginning.  The red plastic glasses, the heavy humidity in the air, the battle over the hot pepper sprinkles because we both love spicy food.

At the first mention of Star Pizza, my heart instantly returns to our beginning.  The random connections despite very different upbringings, the shared love of baseball that I most certainly was not faking, the deep belly laughs that only a best friend (in the making) can elicit.

I'm enveloped in a cloud of nostalgia these days - with the holiday season, birthdays, family, and friends - and to add to it, my current world is colliding with my former one.  It's beautiful.

So to Star Pizza in H-town.  You were where it all began.

Daily Journal #93 - Shawshank

Here's something you might not know:  I love movies almost as much as I love baseball, and my favorite movie is The Shawshank Redemption starring honey-voice Morgan Freeman and long and lean Tim Robbins.  It doesn't make much sense that a die hard feminist like me would cite a movie with only 2 actresses (who incidentally spoke only 23 words of dialogue) as her all-time favorite.  It's not a "chick-flick" (whatever that means because the last time I checked I wasn't poultry, but I digress) and it's dark and bleak about prison and wrongful conviction and suicide.  Well, that's what it looks like it's about if you watch it with half a brain or half a heart.  This movie is pure brilliance.  And I'm about to tell you why.

Adapted from Stephen King's novella "Rita Hayworth and Shawshank Redemption" from the book Different Seasons, this is a movie about relationships.  And relationships, for me, are the source of everything.  This movie was a love affair that didn't involve romance between Andy and Red, and love is what makes the world go 'round.

I know most of you, dear readers, are teenagers and in the midst of a rollercoaster ride of becoming.  And I know that I write from a place of privilege at almost 40 because I am no longer driven by the same force that propelled me over two decades ago.  And from my perch of perspective, I watch Shawshank understanding that love can exist in many forms.  That it's not "gay" for a man to love a man or for a woman to love a woman.  Love exists in many forms.

This movie is about the love between two guys whose paths crossed as fate would have it.  It's about that connection that you can feel instantly with another soul.  It's about vibrating at the same frequency with another person and then you vibrate toward each other.  (In science it's called "sympathetic vibrations".)  It's just pure beauty.  That Andy and Red found each other is perfection.  Because it didn't matter how much older Red was or that Andy was a different race.  They were on the same vibe and they became friends and they shared love - friendship, I-get-you, you-are-one-of-my-people love.

One of the often quoted lines from the movie says, "Geology is the study of pressure and time.  That's all it takes, really.  Pressure and time."  As each of us is granted the gift of a new day, may we remember that pushing ourselves against the comfort zone over and over again will result in the formation of a new us.  Because that is all it takes - pressure and time.

I'll see you in Zihuatanejo.

I Found This in My Blog Archives - Written in 2013 - The Importance of Writing

So, tomorrow we will recast some sentences with last week's timed write. Come prepared to think...over the weekend, your L.O. will be to write a précis on an article I'll announce in class. See y'all tomorrow. Xoxo

And to my seniors who still read the blog (my lunch bunch, my original tot, my wizard rocker, my guitar teacher, burrito buddy, juice box sipper, etc.), here's my Personal Statement:

I'm a reformed hugger. What I mean by that is this: I didn't use to like, appreciate or even want hugs. I was strong, protected by armor, and kept my peeps at arm's length. Literally. Then last year happened - a randomly generated schedule that placed some of your paths in my orbit.  A couple of you appeared at lunch within the first week.  You sat on the other side of the room, I sat behind my desk.  Then some more of you appeared, like the weird dots before your eyes when you get up too fast.  You two crossed the room at the end of 4th period and parked yourselves a smidge closer to me.

And before I knew it, you were always there.

And I liked it.

Now I love it, and my heart quivers at the thought of you not being there next year. How did this happen?  How did you inch into my heart and make lunch THE best time of the day?  Why do I naturally cut my burritos in half and wait for the "Beltraaaaaaaan" at the door?  Why do I love the non Poli Sci days and the times when Calc class is just cancelled?  Well, here it is.  Because I love you.

A love that isn't capitalized or bolded.  Just one that's covering me in stretchmarks.

Daily Journal #92 - Vulnerability

I oftentimes forget that (for the most part) the people I interact with on a daily basis - my current students - don't know me...at all.  Some of them have peered into my soul and I try to avoid eye contact at times with them because I just know they can SEE me (and read my mind), but most of the 180 souls I encounter in Room 853 only know their version/story of me.

Most don't know the journey I have taken the past 365 days.  The current seniors do, though, because they saw it as it happened.  Most don't know about the day I heard a former student had died and how I lost it when someone told me during passing period.  Most don't know about the scariest day in my classroom that involved paramedics and stretchers.  Most don't know about the surprise baby shower that my AVID kids threw me and how the room was filled with absolute love - the love growing in my belly and the love among the group of kids who wouldn't even let me carry my purse because of "the baby" and always escorted me to my car "just in case".  Most just don't know because it's easier not to know, not to get attached, not to get hurt.

I have my favorite Cheryl Strayed quote written on a little chalkboard near my desk that reads, "Be brave enough to break your own heart."

Talk about a misread quote.

It doesn't mean to go looking for heartache or pain or to be a doormat in someone else's drama.  It means to walk into your fears, throw open your arms, and just be.

Being vulnerable is not about the byproduct.  It is not about getting hurt or not getting hurt.  It's not even about other people.  It's about me and it's about you.  It's about living wholeheartedly as Brene Brown would say.  

I choose vulnerability for mySelf, not anyone else.

I choose vulnerability because it opens up my heart to love and joy.  And I don't know anybody who couldn't use more of that.

Do I get hurt?  Every frickin' day.

But how people react to me is their business - good or bad.  And I wouldn't trade any of the hurt I have experienced for a safe, guarded heart.

I love deeply, fully, and presently.  And that has given me a world I never could have imagined when I was the age of my current students.

I wish everyone the kind of love I have.  I think the world would be a better place.

Daily Journal #91 - Feminism

I stood before each of you on the first day of school and introduced myself and while you listened to my words, you consumed my message with your eyes as well.  By that, I mean, you saw a woman of color standing before you.  Whatever other labels you assigned me (funny, dumb, ugly, smart, cool, fat, etc.) belong to you and not me, but don't you wonder about what else you assigned me because of my gender and my race?

The reason I am bringing up the "f" word is because as a self-proclaimed, proud-to-be feminist, I think there is a lot of confusion about feminism in general and what feminism means to me.

We all live in a world that loves labels, right?

My two most prominent labels are visible ones - that I am a woman and that I am a woman of color, as in brown.  My skin is brown.

I can't erase these two labels no matter how hard I try because the second you saw me on the first day of school, you saw my physical form.  It goes without saying that I am more than my physical form (as are you) but this body is what transports my inner being around.

The reason I am a feminist is because I think the physical form shouldn't be the director of my life's movie nor the writer of my screenplay.  I am more than my gender.  I am more than my race.  And I am certainly more than my body.

To me, feminism means choice.  It means being able to choose if you want to work outside the home or not, if you want to change your name or not, if you want to race cars for a living or knit sweaters.  More importantly, it means, that any physical form should be able to choose what is in their life's best interest.

Those choices I listed above sound very "female" oriented, don't they?  And that's why equality and opportunity for all is important.  As we all know, just because you have an opportunity doesn't mean you take it, but people should have access to choice without judgment.  (Assuming, of course, that the choice does no harm to other beings/sentient creatures/society.)

Before you play the men and women are different card, well, duh.  I labored naturally to give birth to my first daughter for 39 hours.  My beloved did not labor in the same way.  I can't catch a ball to save my life but my beloved is one of the most graceful athletes I have ever seen.  Those facts hold inherent difference, yes, but NOT inequality.  Because I found a beloved who is equal in spirit, intellect, compassion and kindness.  None of that has anything to do with his gender.

Feminism is not "man-hating" or blindness to facts.  It is a fact that my beloved is taller than me.  That should not exempt him from making dinner for our children.  It is a fact that I have less upper body strength than my beloved.  That should not exempt me from taking out the garbage.

The truth of the matter is that I like it when my husband opens the door for me or when he takes out the garbage or when he makes dinner for the family.  But it's all a choice that doesn't diminish my spirit.

I aspire to live in a world where my daughter's preschool teachers don't refer to "boy colors" and "girl colors", where the best player gets put on the team, where I can choose an outfit for work without double checking how "distracting" it is, where the content of one's character matters more than their meat suit.

So, yeah, I'm a feminist.  I believe I am more than my gender and race.  I believe I am because you are.

Daily Journal #90

When I was in the second grade I realized that my name is perfectly balanced.  My mind was wandering as it usually did as Mrs. Pietro taught us about stuff and I was looking at the schoolwork she had posted on the walls.  I spotted my handwriting and started tripping out on how my first name started with a "Y" and how my last name started with a "B".  Hmpf, I thought.  That's cool.  Next to last letter of the alphabet followed by the second letter of the alphabet.  But then I remember how my head almost exploded when I realized that both my first and last name contained 7 letters.  And that 7 plus 7 was 14.  And anyone who really knows me understands my affinity for even numbers (unless it's a 3 and that's a whole other journal.)  It was then that I decided that my name would always be my name.  If I ever got married, I wouldn't change it.  No way, no how.

My name exists in perfect balance.

When I became engaged at the age of 27 and married at the age of 29, I made a conscious decision to not change my name.  The man I married couldn't have cared less and I think that says a lot about the man I married.  But my goodness, the family could not believe I wasn't changing my name and becoming a "Mrs.".  To this day, we still receive cards and mail addressed to "Mr. and Mrs." and the running joke in our household is, "Who is she?"

I'm not offended when people call me "Mrs." or even refer to me as so-and-so's wife.  I just think it says more about the others than about me.  And isn't that just the way life is?  People show you constantly who they are.  You just gotta pay attention.

So, here's to my name.  And it's harmony.  And to true love that looks nothing like the sugarcoated fairy tales that seduce people.  To love that gets better and stronger with each passing day.  To 17 years and counting.

Exhausted - Daily Journal #89

I think my heart started to crack in period 4 with Allison's poem. Then after Hannah and Jocelyn's video, the crack widened. (I was vulnerable after Tyler's presentation.) But after ML's recitation from memory in period 7, I was a goner. Then a beloved former student appeared.  I'm done. Just undone really.

I was disappointed that I got stood up for lunch - that's never happened to me...ever. Not even in my real, outside-of-school life. So that was a low but then all this beauty eclipsed it.

Wow.

Just wow.

Is it possible to have too much love in your life? Because I feel like crawling into bed and detoxing from all the energy.  That people cared enough to give me gifts, that people cared enough about their projects to work on them for weeks, that I was hugged at least 50 times today, well...that just makes me feel so good.

I hope everyone has a safe break. I'll be posting daily because if I can make the time to write, so can you.

Writing, like everything in life, is a continuous practice.

Happy Holla Days!
Xoxo

p.s. Check out this awesome cooking video and gender swapped video.

Daily Journal #88

I saw you laugh the other day - an authentic, from-the-gut laugh and it made me so happy. I can't even explain why. You just fell over yourself, really, buried your head in your arms and laughed like my girls do. When Z authentically laughs, her eyes almost disappear and this little dimple pops up. With A, she gets the most perfect nose crinkle that makes me think of the golden ratio.  I don't know what happens to your eyes or your nose but seeing you laugh made me joyful...for you. Mainly because you're way wiser than your years and I know what that feels like.

All of our ages are just nestled within like Russian nesting dolls. So why do dvd's skip and someone who is a kindred spirit gets stuck in the wrong decade? Why does our society place such value on numbers? From GPAs to waistlines to candles on a vegan, coconut sugar cake? It baffles me.

I find joy in the unlikeliest of places: the cool breeze in my hair, the smell of my beloved's soap, a baby's button nose, the sound of a leaf getting crunched underfoot, the chorus of "namaste" at the end of yoga. The other day I found joy in your laugh.

Each Class Period

Each class period today did a great job presenting. I can't believe you, JC, in period 6. I almost cried from laughter. And CH in period 7, what you did with Taylor Swift. Man! EB's manifesto regarding education and CP's poem.  My boys MR and KM in period 4, I think what you did was a compliment, right? TS's puzzle was great. BR and his delivery and my period 4 girls MS and KM, that candy cane video.

I just keep falling in L-O-V-E.

And I know I'm forgetting a lot of other awesome presenters but I forgot my notebook at school and I am feeling a bit tired as this week winds down. Forgive me.

I'll see you gorgeous people tomorrow.

Xoxo

Round 1 of Create Something Presentations

Today exemplifies life for me.

I think my heart broke wide open in 4th period and I'll never look at stir fry the same way. Nor will I look at writing letters like I used to. And Irish dancing? Wow.

Highlights??

LS
BS
MP
AS
JM
DT
DE
LR
NV
SB
DL

Sigh.

Can't wait for tomorrow!
Xoxo

Daily Journal #86

Today I was lucky enough to see and chat with two of the girls I mention in the TED Talk below. This past Saturday I had coffee with two others. I originally wrote and delivered this TED Talk to my classes at the end of the 2013-2014 school year, when the juniors I reference below were graduating. I've taught now for 18 years and the only graduation ceremony I have ever attended was the one where I saw "my girls" walk across the stage. All of them are now in the midst of their sophomore year in college at schools all across the country. Every text I receive, random message, or surprise visit makes my heart explode. I am dazzled by their love and am so very proud of the women they are becoming. Enjoy my writing if you wish, but know I am trusting you with my words and thoughts, just as you trust me with yours. See y'all tomorrow for presentations. xoxo

TED Talk

"There is nothing greater than thank you.

That is what you say to God.”

~ Maya Angelou

I’ve only ever given one TED Talk despite having had it as an end of the year assignment for the past several years.  I delivered my first one last year to just 2 of my 5 classes and it was as personal as it could get - about my postpartum depression and, shall we say, “brush with death”?

I thought that was as personal as I could get but then this school year happened and as I look around this room and reflect on our year together, I recognize an odd thing - for the first time in 16 years of teaching I don’t have as many close connections or relationships with my students.  I don’t know your stories and frankly, you don’t know mine.  I chalked up this lack of connection to you just being a different type of student and then a series of seemingly unrelated events occurred and I saw what should have been as clear as day.  

Since the first day of school this year I have literally been surrounded by a beautiful, electric force field of strong, outspoken girls who were my students last year, my juniors last year.  Girls - and a few guys admittedly - who sat in those same seats as 11th graders and connected with me through a series of small steps. Lunch every now and then (that turned into every day), asking questions after class, being vocal with their opinions.  They just burrowed their way into my heart one inch at a time - a process so gradual that there came a point when I couldn’t remember when I didn’t KNOW what “ship” really means or knew the taste of chilaquiles or what a finger wave under the chin looks like.

BUT it wasn’t until after a coffee date at Rebecca’s with two of my girls (shout out Vietnamese iced coffee!) that it all came together.  I’ve shared before how I cannot go anywhere without running into someone I know.  Inevitably this happened at the coffee shop and after a pleasant hello, I went about the fun gossip, talking about books, laughing at nothing.  

The next day for some unknown reason (Tot Shaw would call this a God wink) I went to check my school mailbox and there beside me was the aforementioned colleague who flippantly said to me, “Is that your idea of fun? Pal-ing around with 18 year old girls?”  

Insert laughter.  

Insert me thinking, “Idiot - this is why I don’t check my mailbox.”

At first those words didn’t hurt but after a bit, the sting set in and the dull ache came as I started to wonder what was wrong with me.  Why did I, a grown woman, honestly enjoy hanging out with these girls?  The wonder just bounced around my head like a tennis ball against a cement wall.  

Before I go on, let’s talk about how I sleep.  I know.  What the hell?  But you need to know that I am notorious for being in a dead sleep and then waking up with my mind racing and then I stay up until the sun decides to join me.  HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE TIME TO INTERNET TROLL?  

Well, on this particular night, I woke up with a start at exactly 2:53am and I knew.  I just knew.  I knew why these girls and their friendship mean the world to me.

THEY WERE JUNIORS.

THEY WERE 16.

THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY WERE SMART.

THEY WERE INVOLVED.

THEY WERE ME when my life changed forever.

I’d been 16 once, carefree, happy, focused on the typical things like getting good grades, the cute senior boy I wanted to go out with, the student council elections I was running in. And then my whole world shattered.  My mom came home from a doctor’s appointment and before she walked in the door, I knew.  The c-word.  

A battle had begun.

So my afternoons went from after school burrito runs with my friends to hours-long chemo treatments as poison dripped into my mother’s veins.  They went from worrying about who I’d hang out with during Spring Break to being trained by a nurse on how to administer medicine via an IV to my mother’s pic line every 6 hours.  They went from Student Council elections to driving back and forth from the hospital each afternoon and night to sit next to my mom’s bed.  They went from sitting at a table eating hot tortillas and refried beans to grabbing dinner from a drive-thru and heading home to a dark and empty house where I ate my crappy food, did homework and paid bills with the checks newly embossed with my name.  They went from singing in the shower to taking fast ones because I was alone and scared.  They went from nights of sweet and steady sleep to checking and double checking locks on doors and clutching a teddy bear - the only tangible reminder I had that I was, in fact, just a kid.

I told no one of my struggle.  Not a soul at school, not a friend,  I never missed a day, never made less than an “A”.  But I did lose a lot of my friends because who wants to be friends with someone who won’t tell you the real reason they never have time to hang out?

This happened my JUNIOR YEAR.  

Now I teach juniors.  

It is a full circle, universe-righting-itself moment.

So that night at 2:53 am when it all came together, I wept in gratitude for the beauty and grace that brought a core group of girls to my side last year.  Girls who I trust with everything from my car keys to my debit card to my children.  Girls who have been welcomed not only into my home but my hearts.  Girls who I can call on at any time of day for help, inspiration, an encouraging word.  Girls who are the threads that keep me tethered to the earth I tried to leave 5 years ago.

And, ironically, because of all that love and energy I didn’t have the space to be able to give all of myself to you.  And for that I am sorry.  But I do wish for each of you sitting here today the kind of love my girls have shown me.  

Because LOVE does heal.  

The late great Maya Angelou said there’s nothing greater than thank you.  That’s what you say to God.  

So...for the 16 year old girl who missed out on so much 22 years ago, this 38 year old woman would like to say thank you to Mi’Lexus and Grace, to Taylor and Lampe.  To Jules and Madeline, Maddie McFarland and Haley.  To Anne and Marlee.  To Tot Shaw, Maddie Garcia, Alexandra and Zac.  

Thank you.  

Thank you.  

Thank you.  

So Much Candy Today & Daily Journal

I hope you enjoyed the salt and pepper TED Talks - as in they went together like salt and pepper.

Here's the first one from the ever precious Tom Thum.

And dear Reggie Watts.

Shout outs to my lunch dates yesterday and today.  I'm finding this to be so much fun!

And Happy Birthday to two dear ones - AG and RK.  Wishing you the best of days.  I, for one, am quite happy you were born.

I know some of you might be panicking about tomorrow.  Let it be.  It is what it is.

Daily Journal will be posted tonight.

xoxo

Daily Journal - My Letter to You

Dear AP Language Students,

Where do I begin?  I just spent some time this afternoon (before kid pickup and between baths and reading stories and packing lunches and serving dinner and laughing with the hubby) reading your letters.  And oh my.  Y'all are all over the place and I love being able to see you...The highlights?  Laugh out loud lines and sincere gratitude.  Oh, but the best part was me having to ask my 6 year old what "fleek" means.  I'm old, y'all, but she explained it well.  At least she's learning something at school.

I suppose I am writing this letter publicly in response to a few requests to do so and partly because I want you to know that who I am (or at least who you think I am) is a daily effort of choosing joy.  You know I'm not stupid (insert all academic accolades that mean nothing really but got my college education paid for) so I think you realize that my emphasis on kindness and joy isn't because I'm dumb or have lived a perfect life or come from money or have no scars.  In fact, the scars I have (the ones I think we all have) are the exact reason I choose joy.  Those scars that I carry could have made me a warrior for competition, survival, dominance, victory.  Instead I am a warrior for love.  And if this turns you off, dear reader, this letter is definitely for you.

Love is what has saved me, what has literally allowed you to meet me and know me.  Without love, I would not be here. I would not have two daughters.  I would not have an obsession for Dark Horse Coffee and this ridiculously good dark chocolate that is my saving grace.

Love always wins.

That's why I made you write letters today...to get a glimpse and peek into whether or not you're letting down some barriers - whether or not you are letting some love in.  Most of you are and that's the good stuff.  That's why I'm at PLHS.  That's why I LOVE my job and that's why I love you.

But I wasn't always into joy or kindness or love.

My best friend in college used to say she loved everything - the frozen yogurt in the commons, the cute boy who lived in Upper 7th, the song we were listening to, anything and everything and my 18 year old self hated it.  In fact, we had a whole 3 am - sitting in a booth at Denny's - eating goodness knows what-conversation about her annoying use of the word love to describe everything.

I told her, "You can't say 'love' to everyone and everything. It makes the word hollow and ring untrue. If you love that grilled cheese and you love me as your best friend, are we equal in your heart?  It makes no sense!"

That debate still rages on to this day except now I'm the one trying to convince her that your heart can stretch and is capable of holding so very much love.

"Oh, Yo, " she says, "Cali has made you into such a softie."

Maybe it has but I like this less cold, closed off version of me better.  And everyone around me does too.

So I get it.  Those of you who are still trying to figure "it" out.  I'm convinced it will come.  But hear me when I say, being a warrior for love doesn't hurt half as much as watching from the sidelines.

Every ounce of love I pour into you - into eye contact, emails, lunch invites, conversations, reading your journals, planning lessons, prepping you for tests, making you dance, laughing out loud - all of that?  Well, that's my wholehearted attempt to leave this world a better place.

When I was in high school I had a binder - the same kind some of you have with a clear cover.  I didn't have anything adorning my binder - at least not like the other kids did. I just had this quote that I really loved written by Ralph Waldo Emerson.  I saw that quote every single day.  You know what it said?  It said,

“To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children,
to leave the world a better place,
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived,
this is to have succeeded.”

A couple of you have birthdays tomorrow.  Emerson's birthday was May 25th.  That's also mine.  I'm 39 right now and that quote I carried around over 20 years ago is making my heart explode.

Did I laugh often and much today?
Yes.

Did I win the respect of intelligent people?
Sure sounds like I did based on over 100 letters.

Do I have the affection of children?  My birth children, those I have claimed as my own, and you? Yes.

Am I leaving this world a better place?
You tell me.

Will I fall asleep tonight knowing even one life had breathed easier because I have lived?
Yes.

Success comes in many forms.

With love and gratitude,
Your Teacher
 

SAS Roundup

4 more school days!!!  I'm excited to recharge and just be.  Let's make this a great week though...

First, SAS...Check out the links and peruse as you see fit.  Feed your brain.  And ooh, send me an email.  Why? Because I want to see who reads these!!!

Oliver Sacks blog

The Importance of Kindness

College Admissions

And there's more but this band-aid on my finger is in the way!!!!

Love you all.

Err in the direction of kindness.  Difficult to do but such important work.

xoxo

Sunday Swagger

Prepping for a party.
Watching holiday pageants.
Covering my kids in kisses.
Opening our home and our hearts.
I should post SAS but I think I'll share the goodies tomorrow.
Is anyone reading these?

Excited for all my lunch "dates" this week. But waiting on a few replies....

Leave me a comment. I have a feeling I'll be up late tonight.

Xoxo

Today

So many thoughts...but first, I'm inspired. Lunch invites via email will be forthcoming. I will start inviting you to join me. I don't think anyone's said "no". So we'll see.

SAS roundup sometime this weekend. I'm on mama duty in a few.

Shout outs to JM, SB, MN, AP, MB and a few anynomous others who gifted me love. Thank you.

And shout out to MR for making me laugh as well as CN who kinda got in my head.

I really do love you all. Such a joy to be your teacher.

Xoxo

Journal #81 - Redwood Trees

The largest, tallest trees in the world that can live thousands of years?  They're called redwood trees and they are majestic in their beauty and strength.  I've had the honor of standing in their shadows, once as a little girl of 7 and again as a woman of 39.  

When I first stood beneath a redwood's beautiful limbs, hung out in the shadows it cast, I felt safe and protected.  I felt physically small and spiritually big (if that makes sense).  I was in awe of the trees, in awe of their resilient spirit.  Yes the trees are large in size and intimidating to those who first see them, but what I love about the redwood is its living tissue, or core.  This core is called the heartwood. When a redwood tree is damaged, it rebuilds itself from its heartwood. It saves itself from the inside out in a delicate dance nature choreographed.  This tree's real strength doesn't come from its imposing physical presence, it comes from its heartwood.  Its Heart. Wood.  It's heart.  

This tree is humble in its grace.

Outside elements can attack the redwood, fell its soul, but this tree never gives up.  It survives and thrives in the face of an unpredictable, topsy turvy life.  

Today, I sat in the shadow of a redwood tree and as it protected me from nature's elements - saved me from a fall - I once again felt physically small and spiritually big.  

So to my redwood, thank you.  

Tomorrow's SAS

Let's set the bar a bit higher for your SAS presentations tomorrow, shall we?  I think you can (as a whole) do better than you have been doing.

Some Changes:

• I will select the presenters.  Keep ya' on your toes!
• I would appreciate you introducing yourself with a pleasant greeting of some sort ("Happy Friday", "Good Morning", "Hi Everybody", etc.)
• I expect you to have some sort of rationale/purpose for what you are presenting.  WHY IS THIS VALUABLE FOR US TO KNOW?
• And I expect the audience (those of us not presenting) to be taking quality notes.

 Rhetorical Precis on "Sabbath" due in class tomorrow.

And final day of MWF!!  Make sure you keep your gift with you (don't put it on the table).

xoxo

p.s. - Tonight's journal forthcoming.  I'm inspired!

My Love Letter to You

Dear You,

My heart explodes on a daily basis. Quite frankly, it's something I've grown to expect. I think it started after I fell in love for the first time or maybe when I saw my newborn daughters' faces. At any rate, I get heart "stretched" every single day.

Today was no exception.

From Oliver Sacks to fuzzy socks, I just kept falling and falling in joy, in hope, in faith, in love. All because of you.

I wish you could see how you watch each other open gifts, how your presence lights up a room, how a high five means the world, how nervousness is just an aching desire to be accepted.

As my family's candles burn low, as lunches get packed, as my physical body begins to relax, know you are deeply, profoundly loved.

My Periodic Table

Thank you for consuming "My Periodic Table" with me today.  Super shout out to RK in period 7 for just getting "it" and to period 4 (as a whole) for working so much better today.  Thank you.

Make sure you are ready to read, annotate/mark up and consume Sacks' last essay in class tomorrow.  Feel free to read ahead if you want/need a headstart.

The precis outline/format is still posted in last Wednesday's blog post.  Hope you know how to do it!!

I'm excited for more MWF tomorrow.  Y'all are doing a great job.  And I am super excited for Friday's SAS.

xoxo

TED Talk Tuesday

The TED Talk we viewed today was fascinating (at least to me) on so many levels.  "...how the theater of the mind is generated by the machinery of the brain."  Love.

Reread "Mishearings" and try your hand at a Rhetorical Precis.  Bring your work to class.

Day 3 of MWF tomorrow.  You are rockin' it.  Keep it up.

And don't forget to write your Daily Journals!!

xoxo

p.s. - want to get ahead?  Here's "My Periodic Table" and "Sabbath".

Dr. Oliver Sacks Week

I hope you are beginning to see the absolute awesomeness of Dr. Oliver Sacks.  Man, oh man.  Definition of STUD.

Linked is the first essay in Dr. Sacks' series for The New York Times.

Your job tonight is to read the essay multiple times, annotate it like Adler would and then try to write a practice precis.  Bring all your stuff to class tomorrow.

Link to Flashmob.

Link to Brain Pickings.  SUBSCRIBE!!!!

xoxo

SAS Roundup

Some great things were shared in class yesterday...check some of the highlights below...Trying to work on grades.  I have such issue with the ridiculousness of an arbitrary system.  Because you participate?  Because you complete things?  Because you show up?  I think the A's are going to those of you who seem to be authentic students.  The rest, we'll see.  Complaints may be forwarded to POTUS.

Apropos to read this as I struggle with grades.

Iconic photos

The Lion Whisperer

All things Margaret Keane - check her out.

A site shared by a chem professor at UCSD. (And given to us via the sister of a classmate.)

A classic Kid President

And via one of my awesome T.A.'s in period 7, The Importance of Kindness.

xoxo

Bye Bye Malcolm

Outliers  a great great book.  Hope you read it and now "own" it.

Check out this article about math as a point of interest.

Period 2 - you're in with Posternack
Period 3 - meet me in the PAC for a cool presentation

SAS tomorrow!
xoxo

The Silicon Valley Suicides

You worked with The Atlantic article today creating text connections.  To continue your work, attempt to write a rhetorical precis using the outline/format.  This is practice FOR YOU and your understanding of the precis will be important for next week's work.

Be well my students.

Last Outliers discussion tomorrow!!!!

xoxo

Amanda Palmer and TED Talk Tuesday

The TED talk today made me think and the NPR book review of her work made me think even more.  Please let me know what your thoughts are...leave some comments.

Tomorrow have The Atlantic article read and marked.  It's linked in yesterday's blog post.

And see below for some MWF ideas.

• handwritten or typed note that compliments your recipient
• a jar of compliments
• an inspirational quote a day with a piece of candy or gum attached
• a handmade hide and seek puzzle that has inspirational words in it
• a single flower
• a homemade treat (check allergies!!)
• a cup of cocoa delivered to them or a cup and a packet to make themselves
• a candy cane with a sweet thought attached
• a lollipop with a good deed you completed in their honor
• a list of really awesome funny videos that you've linked so all they do is click for a laugh
• their initials made from whole crayons that you glue to the paper
• a hand planted succulent in a little container
• a cup of tea

I'll post more as I think of them.  My personal favorite...a compliment a day that ends with a jar full of compliments that they can keep forever and read when they need it.

xoxo

So Much Stuff!!!

Welcome back to the daily grind.  Ahhhhhhh!

Read this article and have it read, marked and understood by Wednesday in class.  Be wary of printing.  It's quite long.

Also, I shared so much SAS today...book recommendations, articles, sites, etc.  Find a classmate and ask for notes if you were absent or not able to wake up your mind in class.

And MWF...pairs will be assigned by Thursday or Friday.  If you were absent and would like to participate, let me know.

I am tired.

My throat hurts.

Thank you, M. for the cough drops.

xoxo

Happy Break

Y'all, enjoy your time away from school.  I won't be posting much I don't think - a bit of a break for me as well.  I'll definitely share some SAS at some point but please get offline and get outside.  Grateful for each of you and what you have taught me thus far.

xoxo

Cultural Legacy and Planes

You guys rocked the discussion today particularly periods 4 & 6.  Thank you for that.  And thank you to GH and EB for the chat and for AC and LL for playing varsity level critical thinking.

I cannot wait for SAS tomorrow.  I have so much to share I can't choose.  Sophie's Choice, y'all.

I'll see you in class.

xoxo

Charlie Todd

What trips me out the most is how different all of my classes are - it's bizarre and fun and strange.  But one thing that was the same today was the shared experience (ha) of the TED Talk.  Thank you for watching it with me and I hope you got something from it.

Tomorrow, we will be having an Outliers class discussion.  I WANT TO HEAR YOUR VOICES.  So have at least 3 quality questions ready for the discussing.  What are your thoughts about Gladwell's theory?  What is your history and how does it impact your life?  And wow - what about your history's impact on your interactions with others?

Friday is SAS and then, blissful vacation to follow.  Yay!!

xoxo

p.s. - Looking at my calendar, I realized a couple important deadlines...

**Outliers needs to be ALL read by Thursday, December 3rd.
**End of the 6 weeks is Friday, December 4th. 
**Create Something Project due in class on Wednesday, December 16th.

A Catch Up Class

I hope you found the class time useful.  I certainly observed a lot as I worked.  Anyhoo, tomorrow, TED Talk Wednesday??? so come with your Chimamanda Adiche notes from last week.  You'll leave them with me so have them an an entrance slip of sorts.

Thursday is Outliers, chapter 7.  I just finished rereading and annotating.  My goodness.  Who We Are + Where We're From = a whole lot...Have 3 questions ready for class on Thursday.

Friday, our final SAS before break.  Rooting for the voices we never or rarely hear.  Help encourage others to present....

I'll see y'all tomorrow.

xoxo

"Put yourself in the way of beauty." ~ Cheryl Strayed

Tuesday

If you didn't finish the online assessment from today, please be prepared to finish it in class tomorrow.

District Literacy Assessment: 

1. Go to: this link
2. Login with your district username and password, the same one you use to login to the netbooks. 
3. You should see Pending Assessments on the right.
4. Choose Literacy Interim Assessment -Grade 11. 
5. Read the directions carefully as you work through the assessment. 
6. Write your journals when you finish.

If you did finish the test, you will use your class time to catch up on your Daily Journals (you should be writing #58 today/tonight).  If you're all caught up on journals, then you should read and annotate Outliers Chapter 7 "The Ethnic Theory of Plane Crashes".  All done with that, too? Then work on your SAS for Friday, TED Talk notes, and/or work for other classes.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) we will be watching our 10th TED Talk, Thursday is Outliers and Friday is SAS.

For Thursday, come to class with at least 3 quality questions you have about the chapter.  We will start the discussion with the questions so come to the party with some chips, man.  

Shout out to period 2 for their patience.  Love y'all.  (You'll have to take your test tomorrow.) 

And thank you to all the classes for participating in the online test.  No fun, I know.  And a special shout out to AS for teaching me something valuable today.  Yay for learning.

xoxo

Testing Day

District Literacy Assessment: 

1. Go to: this link
2. Login with your district username and password, the same one you use to login to the netbooks. 
3. You should see Pending Assessments on the right.
4. Choose Literacy Interim Assessment -Grade 11. 
5. Read the directions carefully as you work through the assessment. 
6. Write your journals when you finish.

SAS Roundup

Friday night was spent with my youngest sleeping in my bed and coughing in my face.  Therefore, I have been feeling a little icky this weekend.  But in an effort to still feed your brain, here are a few highlights from Friday's SAS.

You're Not Special - a commencement speech that ties in nicely with the Time  article we just read.

The Future is Ours - a sweet nugget for you

Kid President - you can never go wrong with this kid

Stuff You Should Know podcasts

Tall Poppy Syndrome

Have a great rest of your Sunday.

xoxo

My Brain Wants to Rest

I'll post a SAS Roundup later. I'm tired. Truth. And Netflix with my girls sounds just right.

Xoxo

Outliers Discussion & SAS Tomorrow

So many thoughts swirling about in my head.  At the forefront, Cheryl Strayed and Shonda Rhimes.  Strayed's quote that I read today is so spot on but it is important to remember that we don't know each other's stories do we?  That blows my mind.

Why are some quiet?
Some loud?
Some wanting to be seen?
Some not so much?

Why are some class discussions spot on and others need a little bit of work?

Sigh.

We're all just doing the best that we can with what we've been given.

Check out the link to my SAS about Shonda Rhimes' new book Year of Yes.  It would make a cool gift for you or for someone else.

Be prepared for SAS tomorrow.

A greeting.
The information and its relevance.
A closing with "thank you" at the end so we can clap.

And keep your presentations to 3-5 minutes so we can hear from a wide variety of people on various topics.

Period 7 - if you have discussion suggestions, please email me.  Thanks.

xoxo

In Praise of the Ordinary Child/TED Talk Tuesday/Random Thoughts

**Updated:  Hope the new TED link works.  Let me know.  xoxo

The Matthew Effect is beginning to spread...can you feel it?  sense it?  I can and it's both inspiring and a bummer.  Those who dared greatly from the beginning are seen more than those who didn't.  Those who fostered a relationship with their teacher are beginning to enjoy the fruits of that labor.  Those who were ready for AP Language are beginning to take flight and as Vonnegut would say, so it goes.

So it goes.

Thank you to those of you who had your Adler text marked up and thank you to those of you who are consistently writing quality journals that feed my mind and reveal bits of your personality.  You are a joy.

Now to business, today's TED Talk is a doozy and it's quite appropriate that you have to watch it on your own because it's a bit longer than most.  Chimamanda Adiche - remember her?  She delivered a great TED Talk at TEDx Euston and it's about why we should all be feminists.  I am asking you to watch it, take quality notes (like the example I passed out a while back) and come to class next Monday with them (the quality notes).

As for the Time article (posted and linked yesterday), make sure you read and mark it up, draw a Rhetorical Triangle in the margins somewhere and email me by midnight your responses/reactions to Kluger's claim/assertion.  EMAIL me, please.  No google document.

And for those interested, a very cool video that connects quite nicely with the Time article.  Thanks SU.

Thursday in class you are expected to arrive with Chapter 6 Harlan. Kentucky marked up as Adler would expect.  Be ready to discuss the contents of the chapter as well as any outside research you conducted because of your hunger and curiosity to be an informed citizen of planet Earth.

Friday is SAS.  Friendly reminder:  Start your presentation with a greeting, make valuable connections to the material you're presenting (answering the So What? question on our minds...So What?  Who cares that the Sky Roof is a thing?) and be sure to end your presentation with a "Thank you" not an "oh, um, so yeah".

xoxo

"You can't ride to the fair unless you get on the pony." ~ Cheryl Strayed

How to Mark a Text

60 Minutes video I hope it works!!!!  Let me know what you think in comments.

And the text we used in class is linked in Saturday's blog post.  Please read and ANNOTATE it like you know what you're doing.

Finally, in case you want a head start, we will be reading this article in class tomorrow so come prepared!

WRITE YOUR JOURNALS.

xoxo

#swisscheese