Kurt Vonnegut plays a pretty big role in my life. When I graduated from Rice he was our commencement speaker and while most addresses are cliche and overdone, ours was simplicity in action. He cautioned us against thinking we were all going to be extraordinary on a global-celebrity status scale and urged us to remember that while we might not mean anything to the world we would mean the world to the people in our lives.
Five weeks after listening to Vonnegut, I sat in a room full of strangers, directly across from a cute guy who (though I didn't know it at the time) was a voracious reader and a huge Vonnegut fan.
So it goes.
In my favorite Vonnegut book, The Sirens of Titans, he writes, "I was a victim of a series of accidents, as are we all." My series has led me here to this page on this day, a bit tenderhearted by a bell I can't unring.
I always knew relationships could only exist when the parties involved were authentic and sincere. But I didn't realize until last night that power played a role. Positions of power orchestrate the dynamics of every relationship and if you have a smidglet more than the other person (or a helluva lot more) there can't be wholeheartedness. The one with more "power" is writing the script and getting what they want.
Last night I couldn't fall asleep because I realized I'm a scriptwriter and that most (all?!) of my interactions with you were laced with my edits. You wanted me to like you, and I did but who did I draft?
A scene from my beloved's favorite Vonnegut book, Slaughter-House Five is popping into mind. Billy is being confronted.
"That is a very Earthling question to ask, Mr. Pilgrim. Why you? Why us for that matter? Why anything? Because this moment simply is. Have you ever seen bugs trapped in amber?"
"Yes." Billy, in fact, had a paperweight in his office which was a blob of polished amber with three ladybugs embedded in it.
"Well, here we are, Mr. Pilgrim, trapped in the amber of this moment. There is no why."
So here I am full of doubt wondering - stuck in the amber of last night's moment.
There is no why.
And I wish there was.
Thank you for sharing this with us Ms. Beltran. I hope that your break is going well
ReplyDeleteThis just makes me want to read Vonnegut! Also so cool that we was your commencement speaker.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that you are keeping us updated. I hope you are having a relaxing break! You deserve it. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThat quote was definitely one of my favorites. Provides a simple explanation for things that can't be explained. I'm thankful KV and his ideas came into my life at a time when I can at least begin to appreciate them.
ReplyDeleteHope you continue to enjoy your break Ms. Beltran!