Daily Journal #86

Today I was lucky enough to see and chat with two of the girls I mention in the TED Talk below. This past Saturday I had coffee with two others. I originally wrote and delivered this TED Talk to my classes at the end of the 2013-2014 school year, when the juniors I reference below were graduating. I've taught now for 18 years and the only graduation ceremony I have ever attended was the one where I saw "my girls" walk across the stage. All of them are now in the midst of their sophomore year in college at schools all across the country. Every text I receive, random message, or surprise visit makes my heart explode. I am dazzled by their love and am so very proud of the women they are becoming. Enjoy my writing if you wish, but know I am trusting you with my words and thoughts, just as you trust me with yours. See y'all tomorrow for presentations. xoxo

TED Talk

"There is nothing greater than thank you.

That is what you say to God.”

~ Maya Angelou

I’ve only ever given one TED Talk despite having had it as an end of the year assignment for the past several years.  I delivered my first one last year to just 2 of my 5 classes and it was as personal as it could get - about my postpartum depression and, shall we say, “brush with death”?

I thought that was as personal as I could get but then this school year happened and as I look around this room and reflect on our year together, I recognize an odd thing - for the first time in 16 years of teaching I don’t have as many close connections or relationships with my students.  I don’t know your stories and frankly, you don’t know mine.  I chalked up this lack of connection to you just being a different type of student and then a series of seemingly unrelated events occurred and I saw what should have been as clear as day.  

Since the first day of school this year I have literally been surrounded by a beautiful, electric force field of strong, outspoken girls who were my students last year, my juniors last year.  Girls - and a few guys admittedly - who sat in those same seats as 11th graders and connected with me through a series of small steps. Lunch every now and then (that turned into every day), asking questions after class, being vocal with their opinions.  They just burrowed their way into my heart one inch at a time - a process so gradual that there came a point when I couldn’t remember when I didn’t KNOW what “ship” really means or knew the taste of chilaquiles or what a finger wave under the chin looks like.

BUT it wasn’t until after a coffee date at Rebecca’s with two of my girls (shout out Vietnamese iced coffee!) that it all came together.  I’ve shared before how I cannot go anywhere without running into someone I know.  Inevitably this happened at the coffee shop and after a pleasant hello, I went about the fun gossip, talking about books, laughing at nothing.  

The next day for some unknown reason (Tot Shaw would call this a God wink) I went to check my school mailbox and there beside me was the aforementioned colleague who flippantly said to me, “Is that your idea of fun? Pal-ing around with 18 year old girls?”  

Insert laughter.  

Insert me thinking, “Idiot - this is why I don’t check my mailbox.”

At first those words didn’t hurt but after a bit, the sting set in and the dull ache came as I started to wonder what was wrong with me.  Why did I, a grown woman, honestly enjoy hanging out with these girls?  The wonder just bounced around my head like a tennis ball against a cement wall.  

Before I go on, let’s talk about how I sleep.  I know.  What the hell?  But you need to know that I am notorious for being in a dead sleep and then waking up with my mind racing and then I stay up until the sun decides to join me.  HOW ELSE WOULD I HAVE TIME TO INTERNET TROLL?  

Well, on this particular night, I woke up with a start at exactly 2:53am and I knew.  I just knew.  I knew why these girls and their friendship mean the world to me.

THEY WERE JUNIORS.

THEY WERE 16.

THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

THEY WERE SMART.

THEY WERE INVOLVED.

THEY WERE ME when my life changed forever.

I’d been 16 once, carefree, happy, focused on the typical things like getting good grades, the cute senior boy I wanted to go out with, the student council elections I was running in. And then my whole world shattered.  My mom came home from a doctor’s appointment and before she walked in the door, I knew.  The c-word.  

A battle had begun.

So my afternoons went from after school burrito runs with my friends to hours-long chemo treatments as poison dripped into my mother’s veins.  They went from worrying about who I’d hang out with during Spring Break to being trained by a nurse on how to administer medicine via an IV to my mother’s pic line every 6 hours.  They went from Student Council elections to driving back and forth from the hospital each afternoon and night to sit next to my mom’s bed.  They went from sitting at a table eating hot tortillas and refried beans to grabbing dinner from a drive-thru and heading home to a dark and empty house where I ate my crappy food, did homework and paid bills with the checks newly embossed with my name.  They went from singing in the shower to taking fast ones because I was alone and scared.  They went from nights of sweet and steady sleep to checking and double checking locks on doors and clutching a teddy bear - the only tangible reminder I had that I was, in fact, just a kid.

I told no one of my struggle.  Not a soul at school, not a friend,  I never missed a day, never made less than an “A”.  But I did lose a lot of my friends because who wants to be friends with someone who won’t tell you the real reason they never have time to hang out?

This happened my JUNIOR YEAR.  

Now I teach juniors.  

It is a full circle, universe-righting-itself moment.

So that night at 2:53 am when it all came together, I wept in gratitude for the beauty and grace that brought a core group of girls to my side last year.  Girls who I trust with everything from my car keys to my debit card to my children.  Girls who have been welcomed not only into my home but my hearts.  Girls who I can call on at any time of day for help, inspiration, an encouraging word.  Girls who are the threads that keep me tethered to the earth I tried to leave 5 years ago.

And, ironically, because of all that love and energy I didn’t have the space to be able to give all of myself to you.  And for that I am sorry.  But I do wish for each of you sitting here today the kind of love my girls have shown me.  

Because LOVE does heal.  

The late great Maya Angelou said there’s nothing greater than thank you.  That’s what you say to God.  

So...for the 16 year old girl who missed out on so much 22 years ago, this 38 year old woman would like to say thank you to Mi’Lexus and Grace, to Taylor and Lampe.  To Jules and Madeline, Maddie McFarland and Haley.  To Anne and Marlee.  To Tot Shaw, Maddie Garcia, Alexandra and Zac.  

Thank you.  

Thank you.  

Thank you.