Daily Journal #130 - Trust

After all is said and done, I am still - deep, deep,deep down inside - an introverted soul.  I am layer upon layer of my experiences and scars, and I harbor a dark place where trust does not come easily.  When I think about who I trust explicitly, the list is small.  Who really knows the other after all?  But today I got to feel safe and happy and content.  I got to feel - for a few moments in my day - that there was no angle to look for and no ulterior motive hidden behind the time spent.

I used to tell my students that you gotta "butter, butter, boom"  the toast before you ask for something -that you have to start with the end in mind and work your way back to step 1.  Writing it down sounds truly manipulative, and I feel like I'm confessing to being a master puppeteer.  I suppose I am though, at least in certain aspects of my life - like needing to get my oil changed and not having an appointment so I make sure to talk to a certain guy, like wanting to get someone off my back so I tell them exactly what they want to hear, like observing the likes and dislikes of my daughters' teachers so I can craft presents that will pretty much guarantee they're not getting lost in the cracks of a classroom.  

Uggh.  I sound horrible.

Is it just as bad to admit that when I see certain people coming, I adjust myself to speak a certain way, say a certain thing, create a certain moment?  Is it disgusting to say that I enjoy the awkwardness when certain people obviously need something from me but they're struggling through the requisite small talk that happens right before the "so, I was wondering if...".  Is it rude of me to say that I enjoy having things that some people need because it will get me the things I need later?

At any rate, all confessions aside, today I had fun with a special soul who didn't want or need anything from me.  I felt like I was sitting beside a friend who listened to me as much as I listened to them.  I felt no need to "perform" or "play" a particular role.  I was myself, I authentically laughed, and I felt happy.

30 minutes turned into an hour that turned into two.  The time flew.

And, of course, I fell in love...again.

How can you not when you trust someone?

So to my dearheart, over-the-top, flashy-as-a-peacock-fluffing-his-feathers, junkyard named friend, thank you for making a Finals Day pretty epic.

I'm a rubberband for life now.  Just so you know.

xoxo