Daily Journal #125 - Wishes

I really wish I didn't care so much about these daily journals.  I wish I was a typical teacher who handed out lackluster assignments, worksheets and essay prompts.  I wish I didn't believe that writing is a practice as important as mindful eating, sleeping well, and drinking water.

I wish, I wish, I wish.

I have spent countless hours checking journals and seeing if certain souls had finally heard my plea to write every damn day.  Some have but too many haven't...even the "good" students who shine as bright as the Northern Lights.  Oh sure, they get updated eventually but that TOTALLY defeats the purpose of a writing practice.

Coming back to the journals and filling them in later, as an afterthought, is so utterly disrespectful to what I am trying to create in my classroom, what I am trying to grow in the 9 months we get together.  Every day that my daughters were growing in my womb, I did what I was supposed to - I ate right, I exercised, I drank water, I avoided caffeine, I slept as much as I could, I went to my prenatal appointments, I took my vitamins, and I endured blood test after blood test.  I did all of that even though there was no guarantee of the outcome.  I just let go and trusted the process.

Why don't my students trust the process?  Why do they think they know better than me in this regard?  Have they taken the AP Language test already?  Have they already done this whole junior year English thing?  What am I missing?  How come they think they know something when they don't?

A student wrote in one of their journals about how they didn't understand how writing on a google doc would increase their stamina for the AP test.  Maybe that's because all they've done for the past 4 months is the same thing.

5 little sentences.

Nothing more and nothing less.

This child hasn't had the bird's eye view of peering into peers' journals and seeing their work morph from 5 lines to 10 to 20 to a full page.  This child hasn't seen the topics mature from homework worries to philosophical debates on the meaning of life.

But most journals are still just skimming the surface.  I don't need my students to tell me their secrets but if you can't figure out who you are how the heck are you going to describe the world you come from or detail a pivotal moment in your life?  And who are you going to ask to read, edit and finesse your words?  One of the many gifted and talented writers scattered about campus that fall like ripe fruit from trees?

But what really rubs me the wrong way and starts all sorts of friction prickling up and down my spine is that my student's attention is on other classes.  Classes where they are bullied by the teacher, classes where they are not seen, classes where the best they get is a dim room, a sleepy teacher and a Power Point.

That's what hurts me the most if I'm being honest.

Even without meaning to I am being told on a daily (not writing my journal) basis that my kindness doesn't matter, that my vulnerability is a joke, that my simple request to DO THE WORK is meaningless.

But I know this isn't about me; it's about you.  So I'm off and out to focus on the students I have who do write every day, who have opened their hearts to me, who respect in a quiet sort of way - by doing what I am asking them to do.

I am grateful for you.

As for all the rest...I am grateful to you too because I need reminders every now and again that all that glitters is not gold.