Daily Journal #107 - Being a Mama

When I was younger the vision I had of my life involved living on a ranch, driving a pickup truck and living alone.  I didn't believe in love because all I knew of it came from my parent's marriage that disintegrated after 17 years.  I never wanted to be in love because love - from what I could tell - hurt and ultimately slayed you.

Fast forward to my present life and I am the mama to two beautiful girls whose very presence alters the way I live my life.

I am the kind of mama who reads bedtime stories, who cooks dinner and folds clothes, who bandages scraped knees and maintains the organized chaos of dance class, playdates and recitals.

But I am also the kind of mama who listens wholeheartedly to my kids when they speak their truth, who bites her tongue when she wants to crush an idea, who says "yes" to the invitations to play.

I am the kind of mama my girls deserve.

And they deserve the world, just like every other child who never asked to be born.

Today was heartbreaking in all the best and worst ways.  And because I have been rereading Tiny Beautiful Things (when am I not rereading TBT?) and flipping through Strayed's book of quotes Brave Enough some words floated to the forefront of my mind.

"Parents teach their children how to be warriors, to give them the confidence to get on the horse to ride into battle when it's necessary to do so.  If you didn't get that from your parents, you have to teach yourself."

With every conscious action I am teaching my daughters to be warriors and not worriers.  With every word I say, hug I give, book we read, I am teaching my daughters how to fling off the expectations that society is attempting to place on them.  I am doing my best to not just teach but to model.

When Z and I brush teeth together, she mimics my actions.  I was looking at my jet black hair last night and inspecting all the gray strands nestled behind my ears, near my forehead, everywhere.  I saw her watching me, and I said, "Monkey, aren't these so cool?  Look, mommy has gray hairs!  They're beautiful."

She paused, looked at her hair and started lifting up her sweet brown strands.  She said, "Will I get gray hairs, too?"

"If you're lucky, babe."

The self-satisfied smile was enough to carry me through this day as I face so many children who have been taught so many different lessons.  Rooms full of warriors and worriers.

Onward.