Daily Journal #128 - Thinking Out Loud

You told me today that I think too much and I do.  No doubt.  I get stuck on things and I get stuck in my thoughts.  It's such a pleasant place to be if I'm being honest.

And since I'm being honest, I'm scared.

I'm scared of what society is doing to even the shiniest of pennies - including you.  This yearning for likes and acceptance from friends who follow you online but rarely follow you to the edge of your crazy in real life tugs at even the heartiest of hearts.  And how do you resist becoming one of them?

Today in class I saw kids taking selfies of themselves studying.  And I couldn't help but wonder if that was real or fake.  Was that image going to make it on their public account or the private one that allows them to be "real"?  Was that image going to be captioned, "Crying" or "Wish me luck"?  Then I looked around the room and I started tripping.  I don't know anything about any of you, yet we've spent at least 5 hours together every week for the past eighteen.  I don't know what version you're presenting to me, and I guess the argument is that I shouldn't care.

I'm just your teacher.

That's an independent clause.

But you're not.

You're utterly dependent on validation from others - does my teacher like me, what does so-and-so think of me, how am I doing?  And that must be exhausting.

I'm guilty of it, too, because I'm writing about the need for validation while my phone blows up with notifications from the picture I posted this morning and from the writing I've been doing in my friend's Writing Challenge.  But it wasn't until this morning that I realized you're supposed to take a photo down if it gets less than 10 likes.  It wasn't until this morning that I realized I should have two accounts.  Whaaaat?

What?

But, man, I must be a fool because I brought two children into this hot mess of a world, because I made a conscious choice to follow a calling to teach, because I kick and scream against the walls that attempt to siphon my bleeding heart.

I am not giving up.

I am not going to "go gentl[y] into that good night".  

I will forever "rage, rage against the dying of the light".

And when I looked at you today and tried to see whether or not I was thinking too much, if I was wrong, if I was missing something, I saw the spark still there.  I'm not giving up on you.

P.S. - A screenshot of my private Instagram account.  May you be as authentic in your real life as you are in your online one.  (I'll likely take this down tonight because I am a private person after all, and my kids are my treasures...)  From top left across to right:  Z and her first lost tooth.  We celebrated with a smoothie after school, a favorite quote, the laptop reading your journals, Z and A at Chuck E. Cheese for the 4th birthday party, the cover of Dr. Paul Kalanithi's book, demolished birthday cake, MLK quote about choosing love not hate, Z in tree pose at school, an authentic family photo when A was a few months old and Z was 3.

Took it down.  :)