Daily Journal #122 - Jealousy

Some people are born kind and generous, open to experiences and change, brave in spirit and body. Some people are born full of sympathetic joy - that pure happiness at another person's success.

I myself was not born such a person.

My natural state is one of defensiveness and jealousy.

I vividly recall being in Mrs. Lunsford's kinder class hoarding the table's crayons.  The second the teacher looked away, my chubby hand grabbed as many supplies as I could.  That year's report card mentioned I had "difficulty sharing".

I'm sure I could intellectualize why that is by lobbing at you some Gladwell references or allusions to growing up poor but really those are just excuses.  And everyone has an excuse, don't they?  The truth is that I'm just not naturally inclined toward generosity and kindness and celebration for others.  But as I grew older and experienced more of life (and grew less stubborn and egotistical), I began to mindfully exercise the part of my brain and heart that consciously chooses happiness and joy and kindness.

It's not easy either.  A battle everyday, I butt my head against my natural tendencies and marvel in awe at people who seem to possess authentic brightness.

My little one, Thing 2, has that special brightness.  She was literally born with it.  I saw it in her squishy face the second we met.  Her daddy has that same special brightness, too.  And perhaps that's one of the many reasons I was naturally drawn to him, why I married him.

But I was jealous today.

At first I didn't recognize the sensation in my chest but after sitting with it for a few moments, I knew an old friend had come a knockin'.  I entered into the comparison game and ended up falling short.  That was quickly followed by a minor pity party and then all of that crud was wrapped up with a bow of self-loathing.

All of these feelings flashed through me in a matter of minutes.  Perhaps no one else noticed, though I was surrounded by people.  Perhaps no one could tell that I was feeling what I was feeling because sometimes I am still a masterful liar.

But then in a God wink (forever love for you, Tot Shaw!) a resident of some Park Place realty in my heart asked me what the yellow dot on my desk meant.

"A wake up dot," I said.

Then I pointed to one on my bulletin board.

"They remind me to be present."

And just like that I was back in a conscious mindset, hyperaware of my conditioned state.  I made a choice to engage, to smile, to laugh, to push the dark clouds away.

Jealousy is real, and the dark clouds visit me every now and again, but jealousy can't hold a candle to being aware.

The natural antidote to all things bad is the awareness that you have the power to choose all things good.