Potato Chips and PB & J Sandwiches - Daily Journal #43

I stood in my kitchen earlier, spreading peanut butter onto the naked side of a slice of bread.  As I dipped my knife into the jar, my mind wandered to the past as it is prone to do.  I drowned out the sounds of my lovely home - my girls eating in the living room at the "restaurant" their daddy set up, the dogs across the street barking, the sweet innocence of Daniel Tiger on Netflix.  I focused instead on the sounds of my knife spreading peanut butter and I sent love - absolute love - into the sandwich I was making.  With each stroke I wished away her pain, her fear, her darkness.  With each stroke, I willed away her hurt.

I cut the sandwich into four little squares, just like I do for my girls, because she is one of my girls.  And that's my fundamental flaw, you see, falling in love wholeheartedly with people who aren't my birth children.

The universe gave me two blood daughters.  Two little firecrackers who are sassy and witty, capable and creative.  But the universe played a funny trick on me too.  She gave me dozens of chosen daughters.

One of them used to go to the grocery store on her bike to stock up on food for her family.
Another had her life in her car and parked it in front of my house.
Another made me laugh as we shared soup at a Jewish Deli.
And yet another drove across town and read books to my kid.

One ate Olive Garden in my kitchen.
Another made me almost choke on Thai food because we were laughing so hard.
Another rolled her eyes with me in class and wrote me poetry on demand.
And yet another texted me at just the right time to remind me how much I matter.

One stood up in class and called out a racist classmate.
Another walked in such a way that I could hear her coming.
Another didn't speak to me for an entire year in class and then became one of my "homies".
And yet another just sat in a desk and observed and had me "wonder wonder wonder" what she saw.

I never really wanted to be a mom.  Too much sacrifice, worry and heartache.  But then in a twist of fate, I became a mom at 22 in my first classroom.

So, yeah, I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that I cut into 4 squares because that's what a mom does when one of her girls needs lunch.  And in that brown bag lunch is my love and my undying belief that all any of us needs is to be seen.